If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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