My entire life is one complicated drinking game
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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