Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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