Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
