end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
