I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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