if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
