I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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