I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
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He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
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reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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