Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize