no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
