She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
