did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
