What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
