Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Watching her eat just hurts me
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
