so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
