A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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