Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
His hands were made for my vagina.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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