I puked a lego.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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