I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
