Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
