I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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