sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
I can't put those talents on a resume
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
