The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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