sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
When are your genitals available?
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
