oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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