the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
