if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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