He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
