she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
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