I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
i love accidental penises.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Randomize
