I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Randomize
