My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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