Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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