a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
