I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
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i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
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I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
My vagina is officially offended.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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