Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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