i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
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I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
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I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.