It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
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Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
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I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world