How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss