our cab driver is having phone sex.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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