You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
i can't believe i had my finger in that
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
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