I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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