it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
