left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think my nap took me to another dimension
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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