Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
and she was petting her beer can
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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