Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
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