I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
