4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
