I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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