so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Randomize
