So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Randomize
