i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Randomize
