I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Randomize
