I accidentally had phone sex last night
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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