i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
