Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
Randomize
