It's like a parade of train wrecks.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
