Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
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